I don’t want to make you angry or scare you off I just don’t know how to express myself. Emotions are walled off so as to not feel vulnerable, leaving intimacy dead in the water. Though even if there’s some fight involved, it usually moves to flight. Consider the avoider mentality a huge flight or fight response.
The insecurity and unknown burrows into your brain like a parasite, constantly clawing at you and never relenting. You look for advice but nobody understands exactly what you’re going through, and you feel like you are alone. You can’t think of anyone else, you can’t do anything else. You live on the periphery of relationships, seeing others only as a means to an end. It is not necessary that both are felt, or to the same degree, but one of the two is present.
You hate the feelings of the unknown that cause the tightness in your chest, that choke your throat. The abandonments from the past hurt too much that you can’t sustain anything further. Avoiders believe that they can handle things themselves and shouldn’t rely on anyone else, especially in hard times when support is needed.
It is only in the middle stages where the imperfections are seen that larger issues can begin to develop.
One side may begin to pull away in the relationship; the one individual who feels engulfed while the other feels abandoned by this pull away.
A case is built by the avoider to stop the relationship and to shut down their emotions, such as by being critical, finding faults in the other, and losing sexual interest. Asking certain questions can clarify this : The emotion of love makes us feel vulnerable.
As emotions go deeper the other person starts to tread on past wounds and any pain left over from past abandonments. They cannot trust others, who will only say “No” or hurt them. Beginning in childhood, the poisonous seed of the avoider mentality is planted: As a child cannot get their needs met when asking for them, or as they get rejected, they learn that they must rely on themselves alone to get what they desire.Powerful drugs in the body promote attachment to your partner-oxytocin, pheylethylamine, opioids, dopamine, and prolactin, as well as becoming addicted to each other’s pheromones.Activities such as sleeping together, cuddling, sex, touching, and thinking about the other person lead to mutual attachment. Avoiders believe that they must rely on themselves alone to meet their own needs The buried traumas of the past let avoiders function pretty effectively in their daily lives, at least at the surface.